Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
