so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
