i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
