I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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