On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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