There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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