Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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