Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
