when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
