I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
