Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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