My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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