Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
