Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
