i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
