One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
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