Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
