Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
