well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
