remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
