The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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