Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So drunk its hurt
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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