True but thats because hes a fetus.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
