And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
