he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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