I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
