My underwear smells like fireworks.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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