Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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