Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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