when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
