you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
