I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
