i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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