I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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