Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im holly from the hills drunk
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
