Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
