im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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