Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
