woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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