I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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