I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
