If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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