thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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