if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
