Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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