I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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