A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
