I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
