i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
