Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
