ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
