: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
