i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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