...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
