Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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